Should You Tell Your Child “You’re So Smart”? What Research Says
Is telling your child “you’re so smart” the best kind of praise? Explore what research says about praising effort, strategy and persistence instead.
Saying “you’re so smart” isn't something parents need to fear. But research suggests praise may be more useful when it also helps children notice the effort, strategy or persistence behind what they achieved.
Why do we tell children “you’re so smart”?
It is completely natural. When your child finally figures out a puzzle or brings home a great score, your first instinct is loving encouragement. You want them to feel proud and confident. Saying “you’re so smart!” is an immediate, joyful reaction.
We say it because we love them, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting to celebrate their success. You haven't been doing anything wrong.
What does research say about praising intelligence?
Psychologists often divide praise into two categories: person praise (praising traits, like “you’re so smart”) and process praise (praising the action, like “you worked really hard on that”).
While it is sometimes assumed that person praise directly causes children to believe their intelligence is fixed, an observational study by Gunderson et al. (2013) found no association between early person praise (ages 14 to 38 months) and later fixed-ability frameworks. However, the study found a powerful long-term benefit to the alternative.
Process praise associates success with actions—like trying a new strategy or persisting through a hard task. The researchers found that a greater proportion of process praise during toddlerhood predicted more incremental motivational frameworks (the belief that abilities can be developed) five years later at ages 7 and 8. A 2018 follow-up study (Gunderson et al.) found that this early process praise also predicted later academic achievement in fourth grade via those incremental mindsets.
What can I say instead of “you’re so smart”?
Don’t just praise the child. Help them notice exactly what worked.
| Instead of only... | Try adding... |
|---|---|
| “You’re so smart!” | “You found another way when the first one didn't work.” |
| “You’re amazing at maths!” | “You kept working through that difficult part.” |
| “Good job!” | “You checked your answer and spotted your own mistake.” |
| “You’re a great reader!” | “You went back and worked out that unfamiliar word.” |
Does this mean I should stop telling my child they’re smart?
No. Parents do not need to police every positive sentence they say. Spontaneous, loving praise is a beautiful part of parenting.
The purpose is simply to add more specific, genuine praise into the mix. This helps children recognise the specific behaviours and strategies they can use again when they face their next hurdle.
Try this tonight
The next time your child succeeds at something difficult, pause before praising the result and ask yourself:
“What did they actually DO that helped them succeed?”
Then praise that specific action. Whether it was persistence, checking their work, changing their strategy, asking a useful question, correcting a mistake, or simply trying again—point it out.
How this idea influences BornFab
One principle behind BornFab is that children should not simply tap a screen until they receive a “Correct!” badge. True learning requires the friction of trial and error.
BornFab learning experiences are designed to give children opportunities to think, try, make mistakes, adjust, try another approach, and eventually work something out for themselves. When they earn their recreational screen time, they know they earned it through their own persistence.
The parent sees the learning value. The child experiences play.
Sources & Further Reading
- Gunderson, E. A., Gripshover, S. J., Romero, C., Dweck, C. S., Goldin-Meadow, S., & Levine, S. C. (2013). Parent Praise to 1- to 3-Year-Olds Predicts Children's Motivational Frameworks 5 Years Later. Child Development, 84(5), 1526–1541. PubMed: https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/23397904/
- Gunderson, E. A., Sorhagen, N. S., Gripshover, S. J., Dweck, C. S., Goldin-Meadow, S., & Levine, S. C. (2018). Parent praise to toddlers predicts fourth grade academic achievement via children's incremental mindsets. Developmental Psychology, 54(3), 397–409. DOI: https://doi.org/10.1037/dev0000444
Frequently Asked Questions
Is it bad to tell a child they’re smart?
No. Loving, spontaneous praise is natural and positive. The goal isn't to eliminate 'you're smart,' but rather to add more specific process praise so children understand exactly what behaviors led to their success.
Should I praise effort when my child didn't really try?
Praising effort when a child hasn't actually tried can backfire by lowering expectations. Instead, gently acknowledge the lack of effort without judgement, or praise a different specific action like honesty or eventually starting the task.
What is process praise?
Process praise focuses on the actions, strategies, and effort a child uses to achieve a result, rather than praising innate traits (like intelligence or talent).